After I pinned an image of a sloth on my Pinterest Animals
Board, the image-sharing website supplied me with a multitude
of pins of the grinning South American mammal.

A sample:
Two-and-three-toed sloths
Orphaned baby sloths
Stuffed animal-clutching sloths

Sloths in locations:
In the trees
In the pool
In the bath tub
In the rocking chair
In the hammock
In the jungle gym

Porn sloth such as:
A naked lady holding a sloth
A sloth passionately fondling a kitten
Mating sloths

Miscellaneous sloths such as:
Upside-down sloths
Tree-hugging sloths
Slo-mo sloths
Half-asleep sloths
International Sloth Day celebratory sloths

I am the object of Pinterest’s devotion to my heart’s desires, a
beneficiary of a love-struck algorithm.

I hereby declare, Pinterest, that I like sloths, but I’m not a sloth
aficionado.

I do not covet sloths.

Sloths are cute, uber cute, beyond cute, creepy cute, inconceivably
cute.

But as beguiling as they are, I would not cuddle one.

Their fur hosts a carpet of algae as well as beetles, spiders
moths, larvae, and God Only Knows What Other Hangers-on.

Pinterest, listen up.
Enough with the sloths!